Time To Grow
by Nittles
Summary: For the moments when you can only write down the words your heart so desperately wants to say.
1. Chapter One

**Spooks is owned by BBC/Kudos**  
**All notebook referneces in this fic are from "Lemar - Time To Grow"**

**A/N: Every chapter has been edited and the follow on fic to this "Back to Good" will also be edited at some point! Enjoy!**

Harry was so far gone in his own little world he didn't realise he had four pairs of eyes transfixed on him. He glanced up suddenly, dropping his pen in the process as if to cover up the fact he'd been scribbling in his notepad.

"Have you been listening to anything we've been saying?" Ros smirked as she watched Harry's cheeks start to turn crimson red.

Harry snapped his notebook shut before putting his most authorative tone into play and addressing the team.

"All you need to do is up the surveillance," he started. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few phone calls to make."

Before any of the spooks to open their mouths to speak, Harry dashed from the meeting room to the confined walls of his office. Safe from their prying eyes, he reached into his deep coat pocket to retrieve the book that had so long been recording his every thought.

* * *

"I wonder if Harry knows he's left his notebook here," Ros sighed as she rose from her chair and walked over to the object in question before picking it up and observing the leather casing. "I wonder if we should have a look at what he was so preoccupied with."

The grin on Ros' face faded as quickly as it had formed as a little voice from behind her interrupted her thoughts.

"You shouldn't intrude on Harry's privacy like that," Ruth muttered. "He wouldn't do it to you."

Ros snickered slightly before turning around to face her colleague.

"Well seeing as you're still so loyal to Harry upon your return to Section D I'll leave you to hand it back to him," she snapped, as she thrust the notebook into Ruth's expectant hand before storming out of the meeting room.

* * *

Harry jumped from his seat in mild panic and dashed towards the meeting room to retrieve his prized possession. In his haste, he didn't realise Ros was blocking his path until he heard her cough loudly, a smug look playing across her features as she noted Harry's stricken face.

"Looking for something?" She enquired, her smile widening as he struggled to find the right words.

"My notebook Rosalind," he muttered, looking at her with the most intense interrogation face he could muster. It was no use, she could see right through it.

"Oh, I'm afraid Ruth has it," Ros smirked, folding her arms across her chest. "She's just gone down to get a few files from the forgery suite. I know you well enough to know you better hope she doesn't read it." Ros laughed slightly before turning sharply on her heel. She was gone before he could utter another word.

Ruth stared down at the notebook in her hands. It wasn't like Harry to be distracted during meetings, and even if she hated to admit it, she still had feelings for him. The thought of Harry going through emotional turmoil alone was enough to make her stomach flip.

She trembled as she opened the notebook and began to search through until she found the page with the correct date on. Finding the right page, she diverted her gaze, silently arguing with herself as to whether she should read what had been tormenting him all morning. She bit her bottom lip as she came to an agreement with herself, and her eyes dropped back to the direction of the pad in her lap.


	2. Chapter Two

_**Last night I tried but I couldn't sleep, thoughts of you were in my head. I was lonely and I needed you next to me. Life is harder since you left.**_

She gulped audibly and snapped the notebook shut. It didn't take a genius to figure out who he was referring to. She leant back against the wall and turned her head up to face the ceiling. The notebook lay forgotten in her trembling hands as she had recalled the conversation she had had with Jo shortly after she had returned. _"He's hurting... Everybody missed you Ruth, but nobody more than Harry."_

She blinked several times to try and keep the tears that were threatening to fall at bay. For years, her mind would unconsciously replay the encounter they had experienced on the docks as she left London in pursuit of her new life. She had tried so hard to forget his feeble attempts at trying to articulate how much he would miss her and his unsaid declaration of love, but every time George would utter those three words to her, it was Harry's voice she heard. Then there was the one and only memory. The memory that was so vivid it would never fade. Their last kiss. Their first kiss. Their only kiss. It was all flooding back and there was nothing she could do. She continued to stare at the ceiling in silent contemplation until it all became too much and the tears she'd been trying so hard to withhold began to fall freely down her face.

* * *

Harry scanned the grid quickly, desperate to locate his intelligence analyst before she read what he had so carelessly scrawled within the confines of his leather bound notebook. He knew Ruth would be concerned for him, especially as he had looked quite miserable during the meeting, his mind clearly elsewhere. He didn't think Ruth was ready to witness first hand his obvious state of neediness. He was selfish enough to think Ruth owned him a little honesty as to what would or wouldn't ever happen between him but he knew Ruth would shut down emotionally at the first sign of conflict so he did the best thing he thought to do and ask around to try and see if he could track her down before there was no going back.

* * *

After shedding the last of her tears, Ruth finally found the courage to reopen the notebook and continue to read the inner workings of Harry's mind. She knew it was wrong to go behind his back like this, especially as Ros had contemplated doing the same thing in the meeting room, but if there was any possibility he had hinted of another chance with her then she had to find out.

_**I never meant to do you wrong, but now all is said and done.**__**I can't deny I still feel something.**_

The knot in her stomach began to tighten as the confirmation of his feelings became all too clear. Her guilt and ignorance had left her too blind to see how painful it was for Harry to allow George to die. He hadn't done it to spite her and her new found love, but to protect the country he had sacrificed his whole life for. She could feel the tears prickling behind her eyes again and deciding that anybody could walk in and find her slumped hopelessly against the wall, she picked herself up and locked herself in a cubicle. She didn't want anybody to see her like this, especially anybody who could report back to Harry.

Harry took one final look at Malcolm to make sure he had heard correctly.

* * *

Ruth was in the ladies toilets. He hoped he would never have to justify to Ruth that Malcolm just had played with the CCTV cameras in order to find her location but Harry was desperate. Mumbling his thanks, Harry made a dash towards where he knew he would find her. He stopped as he reached the door and leant against the wall to try and catch his breath and pull himself together before taking the plunge and going in to face her. As he was finally convincing himself this was the right thing to do he heard hurried footsteps down the corridor. The footsteps sounded panicked as the sound of shoes clattering against the newly polished floor increased in volume.

He turned his head to acknowledge his unwelcome visitor and watched as they froze on the spot as they drunk in the sight of him leant breathlessly against the wall just to the right of the ladies room door. Harry knew he had a lot of explaining to do.


	3. Chapter Three

"Lucas!"

"Harry." Lucas couldn't hide the amusement in his voice as he neared Harry's breathless figure.

* * *

_**Girl I wish you could say you feel the same. You've broken the bond and I've got to move on.**_

Ruth had to blink twice to make sure he had read his handwriting correctly. He thought she didn't feel the same way. She couldn't believe it. The great Harry Pearce appeared to be so devastated and broken at the fact she had to leave and even more so at the knowledge she'd apparently moved on. Ruth wanted to scream, scream out her most inner feelings of love and desire for this man, to tell him he was wrong and that she loved him even more now than before she had left him all those years ago. Part of her was even contemplating doing so, just to relieve her conscious, when she suddenly hurt mutterings outside the main door.

"_What do you want?"_

_What's Harry doing outside the ladies room? Oh shit, he knows I've got his diary._ Ruth had conclusive evidence he still felt for her what she felt for him, but it wasn't enough. She just had to see this through until the end.

_  
__**How do I end this lonely feeling?**__**I try to speak but my words never catch the air, like you never knew I was there.**_

Her heart began to melt. Despite the pain and the guilt of realising that he had only followed protocol and that he had truly loved her all this time, even when she had been married to another man, raised another man's child and led another life, she also knew she had the opportunity to make it up to him. She had to let him know she still cared for him, she knew he wouldn't reject her, he couldn't. She allowed herself to smile for the first time all morning and as she thought of ways to make it up to him the sound of a second voice came to her attention and her ears perked up again as she strained to listen to the conversation outside.

"_Ruth's been gone a while, Ros sent me to come and find her, we need to analyse some important data."_

She recognised it immediately. _Lucas. _Ruth was too engrossed in Harry's revelations to care that there was a search party out to try and find her. Everything that mattered to her was resting in her palms. She would deal with the analysis later.

"_Anyway," Lucas' smirk returning. "Why are you outside the ladies?"_

Ruth looked up briefly from the memoirs in her hand. That was a good point, _what was Harry doing outside the toilets?_ There was no way he could know she was in there. She shook her head and focused back on the page. The last line was written further away from the rest of the notes, as if it held more importance, as if it begged to be read. She took a deep breath and lost herself in Harry's world once more, selfishly indulging herself in his inner secrets.  
_  
__**Take me back to the days when you really cared. Can we make love reappear?**_

Then reality hit her. Could they make love reappear? He felt for her what she did for him, that was obvious. There was a thought niggling in the back of her mind. _Are you truly over George? You're attending his funeral next week. How can you give yourself to another man so easily after everything that's happened? _

She had another shot at happiness with the man she had sacrificed everything for, and now reality was taking over fantasy she couldn't quite believe she'd been handed the short straw yet again. She couldn't reject him again, it would break him, but she couldn't abandon George at a time when she needs to say goodbye to him properly. She needs to be an honest woman when she heads out to Cyprus. She owes George that much.

_"Ruth's in there," Harry stated as matter-of-fact as he could muster. _

All her recently found confidence shattered at the realisation he was right outside the main door and that she would have to confront this situation straight away. _What if he's angry? What if he denies everything? Will he reject her like she rejected him by the boat?  
_

"_Well I'll tell Ros you've found her." Lucas laughed._

Ruth heard hurried footsteps rush back along the corridor until they faded out of ear shot. She didn't have time to contemplate her next move as the main door smashed open and she faintly heard the echo of heavy breathing sounding out around the deserted room. She unlocked her cubicle door slowly and moved into Harry's direct line of vision. She guessed that was who it was.

She held her hand out to him and his heart sank when he realised what she was presenting him with.

"Your notebook."


	4. Chapter Four

He looked down at his notebook, safely back in his possession, and then back up at the shaking figure standing in front of him. He was surprised that she hadn't made a dash for it, but maybe the hard evidence of his feelings had convinced her enough that this was real, and that he really did feel something for her.

"Ruth," he coaxed gently, desperate for her to say something, _anything_. The silence filling the room was beginning to put him on edge.

"I, umm, sorry," She mumbled looking down at her hands, fiddling with the silver ring on her finger.

Harry placed the notebook carefully in the inside pocket of his jacket and took both of Ruth's hands in his own.

"I guess that you've read it," he sighed. It was the only logical explanation for her sudden interest in anything but him.

She nodded slowly.

"I didn't mean for you to see it," He started to explain, hoping that if he justified his actions it might conjure some form of response from Ruth's lips. "It just seemed the only way for me to express how I've been feeling without actually saying anything and scaring you away."

He removed one of his hands from Ruth's and rubbed it along his face, sighing loudly.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, "I'm such an idiot!"

"No you're not!" It wasn't until the words had left Ruth's mouth that she realised she had practically shouted them. Harry stood rooted to the spot watching her, trying to read in between the lines, trying to read her.

"Well, what I meant was... Oh God, sorry," Ruth began to mumble.

Realising that interrupting Ruth would only make her more nervous, Harry opted to stay quiet. It wasn't very often that Harry felt vulnerable or out of control, but at that moment it was exactly how he felt. Ruth had the power to make or break him. And he hated it.

"It's ok Ruth," he smiled sympathetically. His original plan of staying quiet went to pot as he drank in the image of the vulnerable woman standing in front of him. His instincts had told him to utter words of comfort, to let her know that it was alright, that she could take her time.

"No, it's not ok Harry," Ruth began to mumble, "I mean, it's me that's the idiot."

At the point Ruth decided to brave a brief glance at Harry. It was her turn to try and read him. As her eyes briefly locked with his, he instantly knew what she was trying to tell him.

"Oh Ruth," he sighed, lifting her chin ever so slightly so he could see her eyes once more.

"No, no, let me finish Harry," she removed Harry's hand from below her chin and diverted her gaze back to the floor.

"It's too soon, all of this. I'm, George and Nico, I know you never meant for it to happen, but it did, and I want to be able to say it, to you, but I can't betray his memory like that. Not right now, not in here and not like this."

She gulped as she finished her speech. She was praying that he didn't take her ramblings the wrong way and storm out. She knew how badly he reacted when his feelings got hurt.

Harry sighed and run his hand through what little hair he had left.

"So not right now, not in here, and not like this?" he whispered, unconsciously sending shivers down Ruth's spine.

She nodded.

"So if you say, did it later on, in my office, after all it's not right now and it's not in here." He started, a smile starting to spread across his features. "And you wrote it instead of saying it, so it's not like this," he gestured towards his mouth as he was speaking. "We'd have confessed our inner secrets in the same manner, so there's no disadvantage for either team."

Ruth stared at him, struggling to find anything to say. Guessing that she was completely speechless, Harry continued hastily, hoping he hadn't assumed she was trying to tell him how she truly felt.

"It could be anything or everything you want to say to me. Good or bad let me hear it. I know I've put you in an awkward position and I daresay there will be talk about why I am in here, but I need to know how you feel Ruth. You've never been the greatest at opening up emotionally and I really don't want to push you away. I just need to know where I stand."

Ruth nodded and slowly made her way past Harry and grasped the handle of the door as she made to leave. Sensing her lack of response had upset him somewhat, she turned around so that she was facing him.

"I'll umm, let myself into your office around seven, if you don't mind obviously, not that you would because you suggested the idea. Just make sure you leave before then, I need space and time to think about it. Oh, and can you leave your notebook and a pen on your desk please? I'll need it to write on."

And with that she was gone, leaving Harry standing alone in the middle of the ladies room. He just hoped she wrote the things he wanted to hear.


	5. Chapter Five

Ruth had watch Harry leave for the pods just before seven. He had smiled and nodded his head in the direction of his office. Time was creeping up on her, and before she knew it she was the only person left on the grid. Like the old times, she sighed happily, as she chewed on the end of the pen at a loss of what to write next.

She glanced down at the page before her. The top of the page was full of random scribbles, and she sighed loudly when her eyes scanned across the paragraph she had recently crossed out. She'd spent the whole day thinking about George and what he would say if he could see what was going on right now. That he was just a pawn in the game of Harry and Ruth. That he was only delaying the inevitable. She had mentally beaten herself up to such a point she had actually planned to write him a note and then leave. Leave for George's funeral back in Cyprus and then reconsider her options.

She laughed nervously as she reread her hasty paragraph. She had berated herself for writing it in the first place. She loved this man more than she had ever loved anybody; she'd admitted that to herself earlier in the day when she'd come across his ramblings. Why she was willing to throw her last chance of happiness with him away she couldn't' comprehend. _He would read it_. Even though it was crossed out, it wasn't enough. She couldn't exactly rip out the page. He had told her to be blunt with him, so she thought it was honest of her to leave it so he could see her doubts, but also see that she was proud enough to admit that she didn't want him to move on and that she didn't want to leave.

The next line needed to be clear. It had to divert his mind from mess above. She had changed over the last couple of years, like she had become stronger, less naive, and more aware of life and its many obstacles. Realising that she would regret anything she didn't write, she put pen back to paper and wrote endlessly until her wrist started to ache.

She dropped the pen onto the desk and stared at the full page before her. She had said what she had so desperately wanted to say in five years, in four paragraphs. She smiled triumphantly and spun around once on the spinney chair, as if relieved she'd finally got it off her chest. As she put her hands out on the desk to steady herself, she heard the office door slowly open and an eager face appear around the edge.

"Are you finished yet?"


	6. Chapter Six

"H-Harry?" She stuttered, picking up the pen and moving it in between her fingers. "You said that you would go home."

"I did go home, but I had too much on my mind so I came back thinking you'd be finished by now." He smiled. "And seeing as you've turned my desk chair into a fairground amusement ride I assume that you have."

He entered his office and took a seat on his sofa, looking contentedly at Ruth. He gestured towards the notebook which now lay closed on his desk.

"May I?" He pouted slightly and she felt powerless to resist him.

"Fine," she sighed loudly as she threw him the notebook. "I'll be on the roof when you need me."

He waited until she had left before flicking through the pages until he found the one that she had written on. He kept reading the last two lines until he was sure that they were actually imprinted on the page and that he hadn't imagined them. He smiled to himself before moving towards his desk and placing the notebook safely in his draw before rushing up to the rooftop where he knew she'd be waiting.

He saw her standing with her back to him, observing the view of London against the night sky. Even he had to admit it was a beautiful sight. He walked slowly towards her, not wanting to free her from her peaceful trance. She didn't realise he had made his way up onto the roof until she felt his arms snake around her waist and his head against the back of hers.

"Jesus Ruth, you're freezing!" He laughed, tightening his grip on her as she playfully swatted his shoulder.

"I take it you read it then?" She said, resuming her sightseeing of the City.

"Yes."

"I didn't want you to read the first thing I wrote, I scribbled it out as best as I could," she admitted shyly, still refusing to turn in his embrace and face him.

"I guessed, so I think it might ease your mind to let you know I looked straight past it." He squeezed her gently as if to emphasise his point.

They remained in peaceful silence for a while as they both silently contemplated the situation they know found themselves in. Ruth eventually found the courage to turn in Harry's embrace so she faced him.

"Harry, I meant what I said about George and Nico. This is too soon. All of this." She flapped her arms about to try and get him to clock on to what she was referring to. He already knew.

"Ruth it's ok. I can wait. I've spent five years waiting, wanting and wishing. As much as I have unwittingly opened my heart to you, right now I am content to relish in the fact that you are back here, in my life and on the grid. I just want you to feel happy and do what you have to do."

He felt her mirror his embrace as her arms found their way around his waist.

"I just want you to know that I am here for you, and that you don't have to go through the rest of your life alone."

She met his gaze with her own and coughed softly before diverting her eyes to the ground below.

"I'm flying out for George's funeral tomorrow." The conversation shift was abrupt, but he needed to hear it from her. His reaction gave her enough confirmation that it was something he didn't really want to talk about.

"Oh."

"I've already filled out all the forms and I'll be back this time next week."

"When's your flight?"

"I have to leave for the airport in two hours, but I'm already packed and my suitcase is in the boot of my car. It also allows me time to pick up some of my old belongings that Nico's grandparents recovered from my house after it got ransacked." She smiled briefly, but the warmth never reached her eyes.

"Would you like me to give you a lift to the airport?" Harry was becoming increasingly worried by where this conversation was heading. They'd both just subconsciously admitted their feelings for each other and tomorrow she was flying out to go and watch her dead husband be laid to rest.

"No thanks Harry; this is something I feel I should do alone, from beginning to end."

"I see."

Neither of them spoke for a few moments.

"I think I should get going," she whispered, hurriedly giving him a hug and removing herself from his embrace. "I left my coat in your office."

"I'll get it for you; just wait by the entrance to the car park."

As soon as Ruth nodded in acceptance Harry raced back down to his office to retrieve Ruth's coat. As he made to leave, a sudden thought popped into his head, causing him to turn and move towards his desk. Pulling out a small piece of paper from the desk, he wrote a small message and slipped it in Ruth's inside pocket.

He found her leaning against her car, waiting for him to return with her coat. He figured she had planned to drive straight from the grid to the airport. She always worked unholy hours.

"Your coat," he said reluctantly handing her over the garment.

"Thanks," she mumbled, opening the door and throwing it onto the passenger seat before slamming it shut again.

"Right," he laughed nervously, suddenly unsure about what his next move would be.

"Thank you, for today I mean," Ruth mumbled, fiddling with the ring on her finger as she braved a glance at Harry.

"Hopefully I haven't scared you away for life," he laughed.

"I liked it," Ruth whispered shyly.

"Me too," Harry agreed, resting his hand softly on her shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I won't be gone too long," she muttered, looking at her watch. "I really should get going now Harry."

"Take care Ruth," Harry sighed, as he removed his hand from her shoulder.

"You too," and on impulse she leant up to briefly kiss his cheek.

They stood motionless watching each other, as if wanting somebody to make the first move of walking away, both reluctant to do so. Knowing that Ruth would regret missing her flight; he leant in slowly and captured her lips with his own. Pulling away, he smiled sadly.

"I'll see you next week then."

* * *

She sat in her car, tapping the steering wheel angrily. She'd been caught at almost every traffic light so far on her way to the airport. Being to get impatient, she was about to drive straight through the red light when she heard her phone go off from within her bag. Suddenly grateful for the journey delay she pulled it out to receive the text that had been sent.

_Look in the inside pocket of your coat. H x_

Rummaging through the inside of her coat, she failed to notice that the lights ahead of her had now turned green. Finding a folding piece of paper she pulled it out triumphantly and opened it. She felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes as she read his hand written message over and over.

_I love you._


End file.
